


mending and breaking (both are choices)

by friendly_ficus



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Non-Chronological, Sort of a character study, Spoilers up to episode 99, a gratuitous amount of ocean imagery, let pike be multifaceted i am begging you, slight AU, what does it mean to be devoted to a goddess of redemption?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 20:45:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11260671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/friendly_ficus/pseuds/friendly_ficus
Summary: A look at Pike Trickfoot, loyal cleric of Sarenrae. (A look at Pike of Vox Machina, spitting in the face of that which would destroy her.)





	mending and breaking (both are choices)

**Author's Note:**

> I just love Pike so much, what can I say.

  Of all the members of her ragtag family, Pike is the first to die. Treachery strikes her deeply, cuts her in two. She feels every moment. It is agonizing. She must not be weak again. The sea breeze stirs her newly-white hair; the ship is called The Broken Howl. _I have to be stronger. I can’t stay here._ Pike leaves.

\---

“I did what gnomes do, I went into the forest with Kaylie, and-”

_Fucked-up weird magic, I gave you your **life** and you left us and went into the forest. _When Pike left her family, all that time (before dragons and Whitestone and the Underdark) ago, she went to sea. She feels the waves, rising and rising and rising up- the deadliest currents are below the surface. The unwary sailor belongs to the sea. _Gnomes go into the forest? Are we meant for sunny meadows and pretty clearings? Weird fucking magic, Scanlan, and my fury is the ocean and it aches and am I not even a person-_

  “Oh, is that what gnomes do?”

\---

  Pike is secure and happy and maybe a little restless. She tries so hard to be kind, to be good, to be worthy. She’s young, still living in Wilhand’s house, still living a simple life. Pike finds purpose in healing what is broken. Pike finds joy in the light of Sarenrae, in divine magic, in making things whole. And when Papa Wilhand asks her to help Grog, she does. (At the time, she does not know that he will be her brother. This is important: Pike chooses to help him, no matter what comes of it. Later, as she pushes death away again and again, she will wonder if she is still acting on her own choices. _There is a crack in my holy symbol. Is there a crack in me too? Am I unworthy? Am I still choosing the right things?_ )

\---

  “Scanlan, there are some hurt feelings in this room, and I- it might be time to address those.” Scathing, Pike thinks _And what would Keyleth know of anger- what would Keyleth know of leaving that I do not._ Pike has hurt for a year over Scanlan, and he stands before them acting as if they can simply catch up.

\---

  When Pike dies, she feels a great deal of agony. That kind of blocks out any other feelings. She is not swept up by a sense of peace, she does not feel surrounded by family, her holy symbol does not glow and ease her pain. (Much later, she will struggle to put Vox Machina together again. They don’t die softly. Here is the truth: they learn it from her. Pike is very good at setting precedents.) It is not a good and holy act. There is no victory in it. There is no choice.

\---

  There is a temple in Vasselheim, a temple that has sat abandoned for forever and a day. Standing in a cavern (and oh, she has only just left the Underdark, and caves will make her feel anger and guilt for many days to come), there are walls of brass and polished limestone. It is partially collapsed, it is crumbling. But there, shining across the surface is the symbol of Sarenrae. The temple is lost. Pike understands the feeling.

  Here is the truth: Pike finds purpose in mending what is broken. Even now, even as a Hero of Emon, with a Keep and a family slowly coming together, making things whole drives Pike forward. She sees a choice before her and makes it. “I’m here to help.” _I don’t want to leave you guys._ It was different, the last time Pike left them. It still hurts. (Here is the truth: Pike will leave her family over and over again, and it will always hurt. But when she can, whenever she can, she will choose to come back. She loves her goddess, she loves her family. She is more than one thing, she can make more than one choice.)

\---

  Seeing Grog victorious, seeing her brother triumphant, Pike is a victor as well. Kevdak is dead, torn apart and no longer a threat to her family. (In more than one way; the threat to Grog is clear but in the back of her mind, Pike is always worried about Wilhand. He is so far from her, all alone. Well, as alone as he can be with Sarenrae looking after him. Pike knows, though, that it can be very lonely under the gaze of her goddess.)

  There is a little boy lying in the street, and he is dead. Here is the choice: there are two possible worlds, one where this child dies and one where he lives. He could grow up into a hero, he could die next week in some freak accident, he could survive them all and bring doom to the world. But that is his life, and those will be his choices.

  Pike finds purpose in fixing what has been broken, and the little boy on the ground is so broken it almost leaves her frozen. Pike makes a choice with the potential to shake the world. (Sometimes, that is what choices are meant to do.) This boy could be great, this boy could be terrible. He could be both. He _will_ be alive before the next dawn.

  She opens her heart to Sarenrae, and lets the goddess move through her, the swell of a wave before it breaks. Percy stands at her side, and sings. And _there,_ the boy gasps awake.

  (Percy thanks her, immediately after. She wonders if he sees what he has done, this denial of death, this divine action. She hopes he can see it- sometimes the lives Pike returns weigh so heavily on her. It would be nice to share the burden. It would be even nicer for Percy to know that he can create more than just destruction. _Look at you,_ she thinks, _look at this choice you have made. Look at this boy, how can you not call him a miracle?_ )

  The boy breathes, and he will have a lifetime’s worth of choices to make.

\---

  Scanlan comes to her room and she slaps him. The fact that he ‘bears her no ill-will’ grants her no peace. She is not the one at his door, asking his forgiveness.

  “Do you know, do you remember what you said, before you left?” _I do, Scanlan. I remember. How many bits of fluff can you spit at me, how many platitudes and placating words are you willing to utter. When you talk, I hear you. When you **say something** , I listen._

  “I mean, you obviously said lots of things-” _I was listening to all of them, you do not get to come in here and act like we’re fine, Scanlan, we’re not fine, Scanlan._

  “-but there’s one thing in particular that’s always bothered me.” And really, how dare he stand there when he has spat on everything she is, everything she has worked for.

  “What?”

  “You said that you were kept alive by some _weird fucking magic._ And that’s what I do.” _That’s who I am._ “And I brought you back so you could be with your daughter, so _fuck_ you.” He calls it a cheap shot, and it is. It is also the truth. (If he thought she was going to ignore every cheap shot he took at them when he left, if he thought a year would make everything fine again, he was wrong. Pike is not some endless fountain of goodness. She is not a savior. She is a cleric and she is a person and she is so angry she can hardly keep her face calm and her voice steady. _Cheap shot? You’ve earned it._ )

  Scanlan says he likes who he is now (without her) and he didn’t like himself then (with her, with their family). He says he knows that no matter what, there’s someone out there who is rooting for him. _I brought you back from the dead **twice** , Scanlan. I gave you the heartbeat in your ribs. Fuck you, for not knowing I was rooting for you. _

  “I don’t care what you do.” That is a sticking point, that is a lie. What Pike means is that, she doesn’t care what laws he breaks. _Of course I care what you do._ The ocean crashes in her ears, thundering along with her heartbeat. She keeps herself steady. She says goodnight.

Sarenrae is all about redemption, forgiveness. Pike is not Sarenrae. Pike does not know if she can forgive. _Hypocrisy,_ she thinks, _I am a hypocrite. I have left them time and time again. I should be able to forgive. I should be better, I should be more worthy- But Scanlan, but weird fucking magic, but family leaves, but I was supposed to be_ stronger _than this. How can I wear a holy symbol and still struggle with the tenets of my goddess?_ Sleep does not come for a long time.

\---

  Pike stands in Emon, newly alive, and feels weak. She feels alone and unworthy and deeply, honestly angry. These emotions catch on her faith and snarl and tear and _if I was good enough, if I was worthy and valuable then why did the Dawnflower let me die. If I wasn’t good enough to save then why would She bring me back?_ She’s confused. She’s weak. Her hair looks all wrong. She needs to go and figure herself out.

  The sea gives her what she needs. She gets strong on The Broken Howl, makes friends with her fellow sailors and learns the movement of the ship. Soon, she moves as steady on the water as she does on land, steps as certain as the tide. She learns the inside jokes and a little bit of navigation and just how good it feels to stand and watch the sunlight break over the waves.

 Sometimes, there are storms and Pike feels furious and larger than life. Rain pours down and the waves are high and it is chaotic and dangerous. But Pike shouts, _you will not sink this ship, you will not take this crew from me. I will not die again, **I will fight you if I have to.**_ She is not sure who she is yelling at. Sometimes things just need to be said. There is a pain in her, grief and wrath all knotted together in her throat. It takes time, for her to say all she needs to say. It  takes months of reflection and anger and growing stronger.

  Then, on a cool and cloudy morning, Pike says “I forgive you.” It is for Sarenrae. (Consistently, Pike is willing to forgive the world before forgiving herself.) The clouds crack down the middle, and a little sunlight comes down. Pike looks at her reflection on the plate armor she’s polishing. The white hair no longer looks out of place.

  Quietly, she bows her head.

  “I forgive you.” It is for herself.

  When she leaves the ship, she takes some of the sea with her. Pain and fury and peace- they all remain. The small feeling in the middle of the open water, the strength of storms, inside jokes and the turn of the stars and the endless, endless water. She dreams of the sea, terrible and lovely. (Here is the truth: Pike can be more than one thing. She can be good and bad, worthy and unworthy. She is a cleric and she is a person and she is, above all, alive. It is not a victory, it is not a defeat. It is a fact.) She chooses to return to Vox Machina. And sometimes, when it's important, she chooses to leave.

\---

  Vax asks her about Sarenrae, about redemption and hope. He asks her what Sarenrae would want, what Pike would want. Sometimes in the same breath. She wonders if Vax thinks it’s that simple, that the ideals of her goddess never clash with her own desires. (They all think that Pike is good, is golden, and sometimes they are right. But Pike is a person, she is more than one thing, and so sometimes they are wrong.) She tries to answer his questions, to ease his worry.

  She looks at him and thinks _look at all the good you have done, Vax, look at the future you are building_. She tells him that faith is a choice you make. It is a choice that you can make at any time. (Here is a truth that Pike does not share: sometimes the forgiveness has to go both ways, sometimes she is both forgiving and forgiven. Pike has forgiven her goddess, too.)

  Later, she pulls him aside and tells him that she is nervous about his goddess, that she is unsure what the Raven Queen is, but because she is the golden cleric, shining and good, she tells him, “if you’re choosing a life of faith or whatever you want this to be, I’m happy for you.” And because she is his family and because she holds a fury alongside her faith, Pike tells him, “If the Raven Queen fucks with you or hurts you or doesn’t change you for the better, then she’s going to have to deal with me and we’re going to have a problem.” _I will fight you if I have to._ She thinks of storms over the sea, over the crew, over her family.

  Pike has forgiven the divine before, she is not afraid to rage at it.

\---

  She kills an unconscious foe in the Underdark. She doesn’t really think about it at the time. (At the time, it feels right.)

  The weight of Sarenrae’s disapproval and the crack in her holy symbol staring her in the face say otherwise. _Am I unworthy? Have I changed so much, that my goddess will not recognize me?_ Pike dreams of the sea. She can choose to be good or bad. To be alive is to make choices. She could turn her back on all of this, could leave as soon as they’re done in the Underdark. The sea is endless blue and it calls her even now.

  Here is the truth: Pike’s faith is a choice. It is a choice she makes over and over again. It is a choice she makes now. _I’m sorry. Let me atone._ And miracle among miracles, Sarenrae does. It’s not about some kind of inherent worth. It is about making a choice. (This lesson is one of the hardest to learn, and Sarenrae has never told Pike that she is unworthy. She has never needed to.)

\---

  It happens like this: Scanlan is shouting, “What’s my mother’s name? What’s her name? Easy question. Died in front of me. Killed by a goblin. Biggest part of my life. _What’s her name?_ ” They cannot tell him because they do not know. It happens like this: Pike is a cleric, a healer, she knows that there are times to push and times to let things rest. She knows that there are wounds that need to breathe and heal. Grog is her brother, listens when she speaks and has learned this lesson as well. The rest of their family has not. (She thinks, _Oh Vax, I know that you’re struggling. But take it from someone who is put on the pedestal far too often- we are people. We are not saviors. Stop asking us to be. Stop forgetting that we can’t always meet the expectations we face. I could not save everyone in Emon. You cannot predict all the whims of fate. Scanlan cannot know all there is to know about life._ ) It happens like this: They push and push (Vox Machina does not understand ‘holding back’ as well as they think they do, and temperance is not a value she has tried to convey) and Scanlan leaves. Has to figure himself out, kept alive by some fucked-up weird magic. Leaving is a precedent Pike has set. It is terrible and lonely and somehow this is worse.

  “What do we need to do?” She’s lost, drifting. “I need a drink.” _I need the sea. I need Sarenrae. I need Scanlan, I need my family whole._

  Pike, out of all of them, knows that some problems are best solved by leaving. It is difficult to remember that when you are being left. She says, “We don’t have to be alone.” She does not know if she is lying.

\---

  Pike stands at the top of a cliff, with one family watching as another betrays her. Pike stands on this ground, this ground that _she has made holy_ as Ogden stammers and splutters and “Pike, Pike, what would Sarenrae think? What would Sarenrae think?”

  As if she does not know what Sarenrae wants. As if she has not been acting in the spirit of her goddess this whole time, from writing the letter to sending the money to now. (As if she goes a day without considering Sarenrae’s teachings. As if there is not a temple in Vasselheim even now, calling her as certainly as the sea does. Pike lives her life striking a balance between faith and freedom. She does not take a step without Sarenrae at her side.)

  And she’s tired, she’s so tired of family letting her down. The Trickfoots came to her home and lied. She feels like a fool; Trickfoots always lie. She feels a little broken, wants to cry _this is not what family does- family does not lie and manipulate and scheme and fracture and hurt- how **dare** you._

  (Here is the truth: it is hard to find the balance between a goddess who preaches redemption and the instinct born in many battles. Pike wants to forgive. Pike wants to strike without mercy. She knows that she will not choose either of those options.)

  Pike is so tired of leaving and being left, this time she chooses to send them away. She gives them all her money, and takes her cousin, and if she ever sees them again they will not walk away.

  (This is the balance Pike has found: she gives second chances, not thirds.)

\---

  It happens like this: Pike is in love, and there is a moment to say it. But she stops, hesitates, falters. For the crucial moment, she is unsteady. (This is unfamiliar territory, this is a rocking deck, this is ground that has never been tread.) She does not speak, and regrets it greatly. Call it fear or call it temperance. _Even inaction is a choice._ In that instance, Pike chose. She thinks it was the wrong one. She can and will endure it, it is not the first mistake that she has ever made.

  Sometimes, though, she wishes.

\---

  Emon falls and it’s like the world is ending. Emon is poisoned and freezes and burns and burns and _burns._ Innocents die in droves and that is wrong, that is broken. Pike finds that it is broken beyond her ability to repair. A problem that she cannot solve, a wound she cannot heal.

  She rages, once she is alone. She holds back a scream and contorts in fury. Her ribcage feels hollow, her heart crashing against it. Pike wants to find a very small place to hide. Pike wants to walk out of Greyskull Keep and make the dragons hurt the way she is hurting, the way that these refugees are hurting. Pike wants her proper vengeance.

  She gives herself five minutes to fall apart, to fly in every direction and rage and _hate_. A healer is always at war with death, with pain. In one action, her enemy has won a decisive victory. Pike feels helpless and alone for five minutes.

  Then she takes a breath, centers herself, and prays.

  (Tears continue running down her face, but she kneels and reaches for the warm place inside her, listening. A breeze brushes sweaty hair off her forehead, a distant voice murmurs the faintest reassurance. Sarenrae is with her. _This is enough. I am not alone, and these people need help. It’s time to help them, however I can._ Pike will help these people until she cannot stand, until she is too exhausted to think anymore. She can’t fix all of Emon, can’t take on four dragons alone. But these people are here now, here in Greyskull keep. Pike will never hesitate to help people who ask for it.)

\---

  The white dragon, Vorugal, will not die easily. Pike knows this, knows that dragons in general do not die easy deaths. But here, now, her family is beside her and the storm is swirling around her and Pike _reaches-_

  (Pike, who has doubted and failed. Pike, who has triumphed and built and healed and mended. Pike thinks of the temple in Vasselheim, thinks of the child in Westrunn, thinks of herself in Wilhand’s house, looking down at Grog. Pike has made many choices, some good and some bad, but she has never taken a step without Sarenrae at her side. _I know you’re there,_ she thinks, _and I know that I ask for a lot, but there’s a dragon here and I could use a little extra oomph._ )

  Pike reaches, and Sarenrae extends her hand. There is a moment of warmth and quiet, and in the midst of this fight Pike Trickfoot knows peace.

  She opens her eyes, and the darkness parts. Her goddess strikes.

\---

  She asks Taryon, “Do you know my name?”

  He pauses, a moment of uncertainty before bravado takes over and he replies, “Daughter of Sarenrae, I’m guessing.”

  (In another world, where gods and people are simpler creatures altogether, he would be right. He is meeting her for the first time and she is a being made wholly of divine light and faith and the will of a goddess, so the assumption is an understandable one. In another world, Sarenrae decides she wants a new avatar to carry out her will and looks at her followers and gives a great blessing to one of them. Gives her own daughter into Wilhand Trickfoot’s care and is never disappointed. This is not that world.

  Pike Trickfoot is mortal and fallible, and is loved no less for it. She has threatened the gods, has betrayed Sarenrae’s teachings in the dark, has shouted fury to the sky. She has resurrected children and family, has been a light in a world of unending darkness, has stood on the cold stone of an ancient temple and promised to rebuild it for her goddess. This is not a world for simple creatures. It is a world for choices.)

  “No. It’s Pike.”

**Author's Note:**

> I just want Pike to have the opportunity to be a fully realized character, with flaws and everything. Also, the line "even inaction is a choice" is said by Leliana in DA:I, and it got me writing this entire fic.


End file.
